I look great in the picture, right?
Well, I can find many things I don't like about it!
Self Talk Is Very Important
This is important for everyone but especially those living with epilepsy. In the image above you can read my caption of how one's thoughts effect one's life. Those that live with epilepsy tend to be on medications which can cause depression, so bad talk to themselves can lead to depression and/or activate their seizures.
I see the good in everyone, sometimes to a fault. I LOVE helping others which makes me feel better, but at times I focus on others too much and forget about myself. I can talk positively to everyone about anything, but my thoughts are not always the same. By doing this, I am effecting myself whether I realize it or not.
As I said, in the image above I do not think I look good. I was enjoying being there with my husband, and if he was in it I would feel he looks great but always something wrong with me. I see in the pic my hair is a mess because I couldn't fix it due to seizures. A fake smile to hide what I see or feel that day. I am making the day harder because I am not feeling well. Recently, Brent took me on a birthday trip, and I loved it! But, he pointed out to me how negative I spoke of myself in all pictures we took. I didn't even realize I was saying it. I also always want to do things he wants to do, but I never ask to do something I want. He pointed that out to me, too. I want him to decide what to do because to me he deserves it for all he does for me. His response is usually, "we are married, I do things for you and you do things for me. I brought you out for your birthday, so maybe you need to remember by doing things you want IS making me happy!"
This has become more apparent over the recent years. In 2019, I had to medically retire, had a second surgery for my implant and we moved. Because of all of this I felt to be an extra burden on the family who already were having to adjust to so much. Then COVID hit and of course I came down with it, causing my seizures to activate even more. So once again to me I was a burden to my family in my eyes, but I wasn't in theirs at all. I felt the LOVE, but I didn't realize until later on, how I was feeling inside and talking to myself.
My boys didn't hesitate to take me somewhere if needed. If I had seizures at home, they would take over if Brent wasn't home to do whatever it was I was doing. If I had a seizure at one of their events, they didn't even think anything of it because they were just happy I was able to make it. At times I had to miss things for my safety and the inside guilt began. To my boys, they were just as excited to tell me about it when they got home. As a mom I felt I was failing as well as embarrassing them as I know people would say terrible things about me. Instead, they always protect me.
My husband doesn't hesitate to take me to appointments when needed. If I need to go to Mayo and he can't, he takes me halfway and my folks take me the rest. I, without realizing it, would apologize for it. Me apologizing is the biggest thing my husband hates to hear me say.
I am Working On My Self Talk For My Family, But Also For Me.
If you have epilepsy, don't let your it effect your mindset, find a way to take control of it. It takes work, and I am working on it daily. Reach out to me if you want to hear what I am doing and maybe we can help each other gain a better positive mindset, make time for ourselves and not feel guilty. We need to do this so just maybe our seizures can become more controlled. Yes, I know I cannot stop them but I am going to be better at self-talk to control factors I can.
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Thank you for sharing the truth of that photo. Being honest is how we learn to heal our self-perceptions and shift to kinder stories about ourselves. You are doing the hard work of going within and taking ownership of what you find there. It is not easy! Keep going💜